I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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