Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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