Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
and she was petting her beer can
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
