No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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