Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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