..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
