I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
