if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
