my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
