I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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