Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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