I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You are a genius and a whore.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
