I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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