splinters make it hard to masturbate
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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