The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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