The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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