Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
