I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
