I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
