I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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