Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
