We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
