just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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