After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
