That's when you crack a 10am beer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
