i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
