Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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