Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
