Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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