Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
