WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
