my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
