Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
