I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
