Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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