ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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