omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
