you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
