quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
