i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
