Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
