I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
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the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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