Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
