i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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