I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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