My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
