The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
