I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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