apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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