Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
