i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
