The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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