the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
