Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
