im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
