The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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